Your future self is talking shit about you
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umm how do you know if you’re agender/demi? questioning and confused about myself
i understand a lot of my existence has been shaped my the lens of another person’s eye, and that view is a feminized version of me, but even if i like wearing dresses and i guess i’m not bothered by calling myself a girl i dont really FEEL like a girl. i feel more like a formless being, some sort of blob or humanoid organism. that is how i physically see myself, even though i know it’s not what i look like, but it’s how i feel and how i look is so dissonant with how i feel. when people talk about girls as a generality, which they shouldn’t really be doing anyway, i just feel so disconnected from that concept - i am not a “girl”, but i am a person like everyone else is a person?
the thing is, i’ve been on and off dissociating for about a year now. i can’t tell if my dysmorphia(?) is because of my meds and my different coping mechanisms for my depression and panic or if this is something genuine. i never really fit into any categories but no one ever does. i’m trying to reconcile what it would mean for me to identify as something other than female, something in flux and something that you can never solidly put down. not many people would take me seriously because i’m so staunchly a “girl”. whenever i talk about my possible masculine traits my boyfriend just passes them off? because i am so “obviously” feminine? it bothers me when strangers call me “lady” or “miss” or “ma’am”, and it didn’t always but it really bothers me now. i almost hope someone misgenders me. would it be misgendering? idk.
i just need to get this out somehow and i know there are a lot of people in the tumblr community who’ve gone through similar experiences and i’d love to hear your perspectives. thanks. if no one responds that’s ok too. this is so personal, sorry.
2017
is there a gif of ahmad bradshaw’s touchdown
just sitting down in the end zone
please
